At my WordPress blog, where I've begun to write my little blurbs about my writing process, I came to the realization that I face the same problems of procrastination that I did while in college. What's most distressing about this is that all along I'd thought it was simply a matter of having to do things I did not want to do. That is, I had always assumed that if I were faced with doing things that I love to do, eg. writing, then there would be no need for procrastination and I would be able to defeat this demon bare-handed with one handed behind my back. Obviously, this is not the case. Even when faced with writing my beloved novel, I find new and more "fulfilling" methods of procrastination.

With my 25th birthday right around the corner, I think it's best to put something into place to at least try to alleviate some of this...lack of getting anything accomplished. The focus of this blog has long since surrounded goals and trying to get stuff done, but despite all my best efforts, nothing ever does. I spend hours making dozens of plans and I've got hundreds and hundreds of things I want to do, but in the end, my plans are never completed and I end up doing nothing at all. I'd like to try and change that today, so I'm introducing a new project to myself: The Project of the Week.

Every Sunday afternoon, I will decide on one thing and only one thing I wish to get accomplished for the week. Each Sunday this task, no matter how great or small, will be planned for a little each day and I must get my single project completed each week. It sounds simple enough as I think about it, so rather than make complicated details regarding this, I'd like to just get into it.

I'll probably end up posting my bits of progress at WordPress, as many of these weekly projects will include writing, but the aim is to have a goal in a place that I can see and work towards just that one goal each week. I can still plan and dream about everything else I'd like to do with my life, but if I do nothing else, every week my Project will get accomplished.

So, this week's Project of the Week is...coding the individual pages for the church website.

I had thought, just now, that I would sit and plan out how I'll get each little part done on each day of this week, but I've just remembered the little saying about how insanity is doing the exact same thing over and over and expecting to get different results. Needless to say, I'll be skipping the detailed plans about how I'll accomplish the POTW as I don't really operate that way anyway. So, regardless if I'm up until eight am next Sunday morning to make it happen, I will have my POTW completed next week. :)

I realized something a couple weeks ago regarding my own selfishness, but as it's really a matter that's better set for my main blog and I since had an ulterior motive in writing, I'll skip over that and jump right into the epiphany I had right after my selfishness "understanding."

About eleven years ago, my grandmother bought a journal and a pen for me as a "just because" kind of gift. I've always referred to it as my "Tweety Book" simply because it has about a dozen images of Tweety with varying facial expressions and the pen matched the book. For the past decade, I've been writing my personal thoughts and musings in the Tweety Book much like I do here, but on a far more personal level. Most of the entries date back to a time before LiveJournals and MySpaces and Facebooks, etc., but the really interesting thing about it is what it says about me and how much space is left.

This September I'll be turning 25 which feels like a "grown-up" age to me. By September I'll be able to drive, vote, drink legally and even rent a car in all fifty states. My insurance rates go down and a whole bunch of other stuff I suppose, but mostly, 25 is bringing the kind of aspiring rush for rejuvenation that no other age has seen. In short, by 25 I'll feel like an actual adult rather than just a girl, a kid or a college kid, which brings me back to the Tweety Book.

For the past ten years of my life, I've written almost the same exact thing over and over and over again in the Tweety Book: I don't like my body, this relationship with such-and-such boy is not going to work and my "struggle" with OCD and BPD. I realized this when I turned to the Tweety Book to catalogue something important in my life, but something a tad too personal to share with the Internet. I flipped through many of the entries and, while some were really meaningful like this my first experiences of college life or September 11th, most were just garbage about weight, boys and BPD. I almost laughed at myself as I scanned my haphazard writing and saw that, even with my most recent entry, very little about myself had changed in the ten years I'd been writing in the Tweety Book. Ten years later, I still don't like the way I look; ten years later, guys are still presenting problems for me; ten years later, I'm still fighting BPD as if I just woke up and realized it was there. What fascinated me most about the Tweety Book though, is that it's nearly complete. There are very few pages left; a maximum of twenty, though I'm sure it's far less.

And, why is this interesting???

I've been cataloguing this "stage" of my life for ten years and now it's almost over as I reach an "adult" age. As I come toward the beginning of my adult years, I'm simultaneously reaching the end of what categorized my teen and college years. In essence, I'm growing up as I near the end of the Tweety Book.

It's not a wide-eye, life-changing revelation, but it got me thinking a lot about what I want for myself during my adult years. I know I want to write more than anything, but as I cascade into my 25th birthday, it's becoming a lot easier to "force" myself to work for what I want. A few posts back, I'd given myself an initiative to write at least five sentences of my novel before writing any fanfiction, but I haven't even needed to count out sentences lately. I've not wanted to work on fanfiction because (and I love thinking this and also saying it aloud) I've got a novel to write. I can't keep getting sidetracked with meaningless stories that aren't going to do anything for me except keep me from reaching my goals and what's more is that I'm finding it easier to keep from getting sidetracked. Sure, I'll still work on my website for hours instead of writing and, of course, I'll still be playing The Sims until my grandchildren are old enough to create sims with me, but I know these are only short breaks and I treat them as such. Not a day goes by when I don't at least think about my writing goals and what is necessary to reach them. I suppose I could say I'm growing up.

Now, I don't suspect that on my 25th birthday I'll drop all the weight, find the love of my life and conquer my BPD all at once. This is a process, one that's going to take a long, long time and one that many adults never fully achieve, but as I glance at my Tweety Book, it seems, quite literally, that I'm closing a whole chapter of my life.

Some time later this year (hopefully when I've got a rough draft of the novel completed), I'd like to sit down with my Tweety Book and write one last entry, one that will run unto the very last page. It's important that the entry fall onto that last page and remain there. Every line must be used, but not one word must dribble onto the back cover or the space after the final lines. I'd like to make a clean break from my childhood and I figure the best way to do that is to do what I always do in times of grief, gladness or simple reflection: write it out and make myself complete.

As the title suggests...I did something cool today, something I've never really been able to do.

I did indeed have a gain at the scale on Saturday, but shook off it and proceeded to press onward with my goal. I've more or less stayed within my plan since then and on Saturday, I managed to do just about everything I like to do throughout my day: I played piano, played DDR, practiced Japanese, read my Bible and cleaned the house. I even got in a little writing, though not really a lot got done. I used this little boost to drive me into my Sunday, but then I got hit by the "crimson tide" and my energy and motivation to do anything dwindled significantly.

Normally, right around this time, I feel so low that I fall right off the wagon and begin acting as lazy as possible and eating whatever I see and I felt that tugging strongly today. That still, small voice within me that says do what I want to do was nagging and saying, "You just don't feel good today. It's okay to be a little lax. You'll pick right up tomorrow." But, that's what I'd been telling myself all last week. "You don't feel good today. You'll right up tomorrow." but, I never did pick up the next day and, because I ate like a cow, I never felt any better. Today, however, I did something very cool: I ignored the impulse and stayed on my plan.

Now, the day is still not over and I've a long way to go before I hit my pillow for the night, but it's an undeniable fact that I wanted to go out to lunch and get Panera or Chipotle or, **sigh** Fazoli's and I ate the low in points and very filling lunch I had brought with me to work. There's still a chance that I might still succumb tonight and face another gain on Saturday, but I'm still content for the moment.

I've often struggled with the "I just don't feel like it." mentality when it comes to this journey of mine. I just don't feel like studying. I just don't feel like getting up to workout. I just don't feel like cleaning. Occasionally even, I just don't feel like writing. This attitude has been the bane of my existence since I can't remember when and my reluctance to do what I know I should be doing has hindered me in more ways than one. But, today, however, I've done something different. For the first time that I can remember, I've not given into that lazy, procrastination-laden ideal and, for me, that's very, very cool.

I've recently rejoined Weight Watchers which in itself was quite a feat for me because I know I can do "it" by myself, but somehow I'm incapable of uplifting myself following a pitfall and so, I need a meeting to put me back on track anytime I trip.

This past week has been a disaster plan-wise. I completely lost control and just gave up entirely halfway through the way. I had this wild urge on Thursday that said, "I cannot face a gain! I'll just not eat anything for the rest of the week!" I made the whole day with only an apple to eat, but then I realized that there was no way I'd be able to keep up if I faced a possible gain again. Today, I ate like a normal person and, while I've still got these wild urges to just go crazy and continue eating everything I know I should, I feel like I'm still somehow in control of the situation.

I think the low of the week came on Monday night when I got Taco Bell, which I know I shouldn't be eating for a myriad of reasons. It was absolutely amazing, actually. Last week, I'd sat down and looked up the number of points for what I normal get when I eat there and found that my "meal" cost 41 points. To point into perspective, my daily point allowance is 27 points and I've got 35 points to spread around the week to use. One meal cost 41 points and had an incalculable amount of fat. It was like one of those "Ah-ha!" moments in my life. I literally stared at the computer and was like, "Oh! So, that's why I'm overweight. I've been eating 50grams of fat in one sitting for multiple days in a row with no exercise." So, that's what made this past Monday extra special.

I slowly drove up to the drive-thru speaker and I had all my new-found knowledge about what I was about to consume bouncing around in my head...and yet I ordered my "regular" and proceeded to eat it just like old time. Unlike previously though, I recognized what I was doing and knew the potential harm that lay in wait from what I was doing, but I did it anyway. The whole incident reminded me of when my pastor talks about sinning and doing things we know are sins, but doing them anyway. Then, I realized that gluttony was a sin and had a small glow of enlightenment just before I'd finished my Cheesy Bean and Rice burrito and all coherent thought had wafted away in a haze of cheese and fat.

There were multiple moments like these throughout the week, but none were as poignant as Monday. I recognized what I was doing was wrong and, it wasn't like I lacked the control to do otherwise, I simply obeyed that small voice that said, do what I want to do.

Somehow this whole thing reminds me of something I'd watched on The History Channel a few years ago. It was a series on the devil and how he had been portrayed throughout the years. The show ended in "current" times and ended with speakers who were self-proclaimed devil worshippers. What has always stuck with me since I'd watched the show was how one of the speakers was describing what they do and what they believe. The man had said something like, "We do what we like because it's man's first instinct to do what makes him feel good."

After my little episode on Monday, I began to fully understand exactly what had happened. The small voice that tells me that I'm really craving mozzarella sticks or cheese quesadillas or something else horrid that I shouldn't having, is nothing more than my human frame that was born in sin and shaped in inquity doing what the devil wants me to do most...sin. I'm not going to suggest that I'm going directly against God's orders when I splurge, but I find it fantastic that when I "do what I want to do" I'm doing nothing more than what that devil worshipper explained that he does, and I'm not sure that something I'd really like to do.

My point tonight for writing was not so much to come to biblical rationale for why I mess up the way I do, but to prepare myself because, as with any torrent of successive sins, my punishment cometh in morning. Tomorrow, I face the scale at Weight Watchers and with an entire week of eating whatever the crap I felt like eating and without doing any exercise, I know I'm facing a gain. Thankfully, facing the scale on Saturday mornings is not the same as facing the white gates in heaven; there's a second chance for me.

I know I'm going to screw up again just like I know I'll sin again before I leave this Earth, but at least with this incident recorded by my fingers and burned into my mind, the next time I wish to sin via, I'll think about that umpteenth time and perhaps avoid it altogether.

With the Fail Whale smirking happily at me, I figure now is as good a time as any to update.

Yesterday, I made big progress on my novel. Not just big; super mad, huge, overtime, hyper-drive, way-too-awesome progress! I'd been "stuck" on this one scene where my protagonist and his step-father are supposed to be driving down Westerville-esque roads and the scene is supposed to lead into the introduction of a major..."plot device" if you will. I knew the steps leading up to this little introduction and I knew exactly how the introduction itself would play, but just connecting the two left me in a state of perpetual block. Unfortunately, when I find myself in blocks such as those, instead of just staring at the page or simply brainstorming and writing anything I can think of to get the creative juices flowing, I run away from the problem and procrastinate, which is exactly what I'd been doing for the majority of March.

It's only recently occurred to me how greatly I procrastinate; to the point that I convince myself that I'm not really procrastinating at all. For example, I look at my SVU stories and sit in wild wonder of how I could begin such lengthy well-written stories when my novel (my baby, the one thing that is supposed to be one of my life's great accomplishments) goes unfinished. I have been in this block at this point in my novel for so long that I made up an entirely new SVU story and am now several chapters into it. The notes for the Secrets are completed, yet the notes for My New Dad Is Black are still waiting to be written. While it's easy to think that any writing helps my practice my chosen craft, it's important for me to realize that any time I'm writing anything that isn't my novel, I am, in fact, wasting time. And, it's very hard to remember that too, because the novel currently gives me only that sense of self-satifaction, ie: "Look what I did!" whereas fanfiction has the instant gratification associated with several people commenting on and seemingly enjoying what I have written.  It's hard dissociate from the uplift I getting from reading a comment about an SVU story and translate that into what it is: simple procrastination.

While I know it's not likely that I'll ever stop writing SVU fanfiction, I think it's about time that I keep everything in check. I have an SVU novel that is pending, but also not being written because of all the little stories that keep popping up in the meantime. I think the best way for me to put this in perspective is to remind myself that a story like Secrets is not anything close to my best work. It has its moments where the writing is up to standard, but by and large, I know I wouldn't think much of the story if I'd come across it myself. It's really not much more than something to do, ie: procrastination.

So, I've a goal for myself today and really for the rest of the month: I cannot write part of a fanfiction story until I've written at least five sentences in my novel. Hopefully, five sentences will be enough to stir the writing vigor that is only fully unleashed when I am playing with my own characters, but even if it is not enough to keep me from screwing off and writing fanfiction instead, at least I'll be five sentences closer to the novel's completion.

Okay...

Well, this is my third attempt at this "bettering" myself thing and, while this hasn't been going exactly the way I'd like to be, I still feel like I'm at least moving in the right direction. Normally, at this point in the month, I would spell out all my goals and aspirations for each day of the month and then inevitably give up about 5 - 10 days into it because, quite frankly, so many goals in one day just isn't possible for someone who enjoys sloth like she was born for it. So, at this point in the game, I'm just going to do the therapeutic thing and write like I would in any journal everyday.

Of course, this is online and available for the world to see, so I can't be as detailed as I would be in an actual journal, but I'm just going to use this as a starting point to analyze where I've been and where I'm going in this journey of mine. If I update every day, then wonderful; if I don't, then oh, well. Tomorrow is another day.

That said, I do have some actual goals for myself for the end of the month that are actually quite feasible. The first is to lose...(I had to weigh myself real quick) eighteen pounds by the end of the month. I've recently joined Weight Watchers (again) and I know this is possible for me to do. If I'd been following the little plans I'd outlined for myself in February and March, I'd probably be on my way already, but whatever.

The second is to have the notes for my novel completed by the end of the month. At the end of September of this year, I will be turning 25 and so far, I'm not liking how this 25th year on the planet is looking. I'm determined not to become one of these people stuck in some job and simply wishing and hoping for my life to start. I feel like Toula at the beginning of My Big Fat Greek Wedding and, while there is a beautiful man who makes me want to make myself a better person, I still can't seem to get revved. I've recently found some new vigor in my novel and if I can just keep up the momentum, I can actually have something worth editing and re-editing half a million times before I send it out to be rejected by dozens of publishers. I've put a lot of thought into this "writing thing" and, as this is what I want to do with my life, I have to get in the habit of working on a project consistently. I know it's not feasible for me to write 500 words or whole chapters every day, but unless I am fearing for my health (much like I was earlier this week), nothing should keep me from practicing my craft in one way or another.

So, on I trek towards this goal of mine. I haven't really sat down to figure out what I'll be like once I hit this goal, but the journey is really where all the fun is. :)

Yesterday was a little better than the day before it. I can't really remember what happened yesterday, though, because of this article. I don't normally pray for celebrities because it feels odd to pray for specific people who I don't know, but somehow Ms. Hargitay is different to me. I saw the article much earlier in the morning and just wanted to cry. Normally when I get stressed out over something, I write until my fingers hurt, but by the time I found the article I was too tired to do anything, so I just prayed until I fell asleep. Again, my prayers go out to her and her family, not only because I admire her and her abilities, but I know, selfishly, I cannot deal with any kind of...loss at this point in my life.

Writing - Yesterday, I had forgot to send my Secrets file to myself, so very little got accomplished.

Bible - I didn't get my chapter read yesterday, but that does not mean I suffered any lack of faith. While it seems odd to me that I would pray for celebrities, I have done it a few times previously. I prayed for Anna Nicole's soul when I heard that she died; she seemed so tortured that it felt like the right thing to do. I also prayed for Britney Spears right around the time she shaved her head a while ago; I feared that for someone to drop so low that no one was praying for them, so I did. So, yeah, I prayed for Ms. Hargitay because it just feels like the right thing to do.

Cleaning - I have had loads of laundry to do for at least six months. Dark clothes had been stacked and waiting for weeks and weeks and weeks and weeks finally got thrown in to the dryer last night...and man, that felt good. Onto the dishes and the rest of the house...oh, and I keeping up with the laundry so I don't have a repeat of the last six months.

Piano, Japanese and Site - Didn't get any of these things done, unless singing along to the Japanese songs from DDR. Today is another day.

...Nothing Important Happened Today.

That is, I got absolutely nothing accomplished yesterday. I banged around on the piano a bit trying to replicate some of the music that I had heard when I last watched Corrina, Corrina and I got one load of laundry done, but other than that...I got nothing done. I mostly read my Twitter feed and resorted to playing Mario World to keep from doing anything productive.

As a result of not doing anything yesterday, I did not send my working copy of Secrets to myself at work, so I can only make so much progress on the update and now all my clean clothes are just piling up waiting for someone to hang up them and put them in the drawers...

On the upside, I do feel rather rested today, if not still a little bored, and am looking forward to making the best out of the rest of the day.

I have started something else new in this plan of mine and that includes "getting up" as opposed to "waking up" in the morning. Getting is comprised of setting an alarm clock and starting the day once the alarm goes. Waking up is just lying in the bed until I finally feel like getting up, with or without an alarm clock. The former is much better for me because less time is spent simple lying in the bed during the day, but it is going to take time to acclimate myself to it. Yesterday, I touched on just about everything, but I had to just go to sleep when I simply ran out of steam. Today, I did get up, but then went back to sleep and then lay around until at least 1PM; a day well-spent...Anyway, I suppose I just needed a bit of catch-up after yesterday and only running on four hours of sleep. I will try to make it a point to get to bed at a "decent" hour for myself today also to help that "getting up" plan ease its way into my life.

Writing - As I spend much of my day at work, yesterday I came across a stumbling block in my endeavours. The way I had uploaded my documents to my site each day had been deemed a security risk and I had to essentially sign something saying I would not do it again. This would not be a problem if I had access to a flash drive, Google Docs or any source of online storage, but all of those options are removed from my reach at work and so, with the idea of not being able to send and receive any project I happened to be writing, I fell into a depression so deep at my desk that I wanted to just get up and leave forever. The only thing that makes my job liveable is the ability to write in between calls and during my lunch and with that taken from me, I could not see a reason to stay any longer. Eventually my near nervous breakdown subsided and I resolved to e-mail my work to myself for the time being until they decide that that too is a security risk. The only problem with e-mailing my work is that sometimes my characters say an occasional curse word and any e-mail carrying one will automatically get bounced back to me. Even if it is in an attachment. So far, I have gone through Secrets using asterisks in certain places to avoid being "bounced," but needless to say, yesterday did not fair well for me and writing. I didn't even want to write anything for fear that it would remain marooned on my desktop at work, so I didn't even bother doing a word count on what I did manage yesterday. All I can say is that all these stumbling blocks as I strive towards what I want can only make me stronger and more determined.

Bible - I am still working my way through Revelation, but this is far different from my previous readings. Through Sunday School, I have already read the majority of Revelation, but is very interesting to simply read the text this time around the books. It gives a different perspective as a casual reading against the haze of the in-depth study I had done previously on the text. My goals for this month, however, are to ensure that I read on days when I don't go to work. When I have to go work, I always seem to get it done, but on off days, like today for example, it never seems to get done.

Piano - My fingerings on a song I had learned a month ago were quite rough, which only goes to show how quickly I can lose things that I do not practice regularly. Tonight, I will play again and hopefully things will go much smoother than had yesterday. All in all, I just like the opportunity to play the piano. I know I don't say very good right now, but even the practice is very relaxing.

Workout - I got in a short DDR workout yesterday, though I failed to get any stomach exercises or lifting done because I just fell asleep. As I know I am capable of working out everyday, this time around it should not be so difficult to continue. The main thing is that I am not going to beat up myself if I don't get things done. The point is that I'm striving for excellence and if I don't meet it, especially right away, I have nothing about which to be glum. I know I would rather just say "Oh, well. Didn't get that done. On to tomorrow!" than get depressed that I still could not do everything I wanted to do and then fail to do everything else on top of it. I am just going to try to keep going.

Japanese - I can't remember when I first started perusing Japanese lessons online, but I am sure, if I had been diligent, I would have the reading level of a six-year-old by now. Currently, I am working on learning Hiragana writing and I am starting with the vowels again, AIUEO. At one point, I had discovered how to write my name in Katakana characters, but have since forgot most of it. Once I can write my name in Hiragana, though, I know I will be well on my way. Kanji is a step beyond what I think I am able to do by online self-teaching, so I am saving that for dead last. Hopefully by the time I am ready to really tackle Kanji and some speaking, I will have saved up enough to take a Japanese class, where I will either be praised or shamefull scorned for what I had attempted to teach myself.

Cleaning - I have been using my second bedroom as a make shift laundry room for the past three or four months. There are some garments that, while not smelling bad or anything, have been waiting to be thrown in the washer for all of those three or four months. I got another load done yesterday, but I have got at least three or four more once everything is gathered. I will just make a note to myself for December 31, 2009: make sure the house is clean before I go into the new year. This past New Year's Eve, I had a "Meh...whatever" attitude to household cleanliness going into the new year and I have been struggling to catch up with everything for the past two months.

Site - Usually when I forget to update the church's website on Sunday afternoon, it simply does not get done for the rest of the week. This time, however, I was determined, I got up the schedule for the week and today's endeavour is the complete the online March calendar. The calendar, while not necessarily hard to do, just seems to take the longest out of any other update for the site. I am also way behind on the sidebars for the site, so that is also on the list for this week.

Overall, this plan is working mildly well for me. I managed to touch on everything and, even in places where I did not get the exact results I wanted, I am not melancholy about it. And so, on to the rest of the day!

Okay...so February's plan did not work out anywhere close to how I had wanted, but I am prepared to start again. While I was not able to keep all of my goals going such as writing a chapter a day and working out every day, I did learn a lot about myself and can almost predict when I am about to have an "episode" where all my plans begin to fall apart. The plan for March is much like the one for February, but with some additions, omissions and a generally less strict edict.

1. Write 500 words every day. 2. Read my bible every day.3. Play the piano every day.4. Work out every day.5. Practice Japanese every day.6. Clean the house every day/night.7. Make some progress on a site every day.These are the seven things that I will do every day and these are the seven things that will lead me into being an all around better person by the end of the month. If I delve into epic failure again...then, I'll just pick up in April and keep on trucking. After all, it's only truly failure if I fail completely. As long as I'm always trying, I can't possibly be failing.

Yesterday was interesting. I seemed prepared to get everything accomplished. I had begun Revelation and I had these grandiose plans of getting home, working out, playing piano and writing...when my just reacted badly. Around 10PM or so, I got hungry for some reason. Really, really hungry. I got distracted though, so I ignored the hunger until about midnight when I thought my stomach was going to start implode on itself out of pure hunger. I ate my apple, thinking that that great big apple would be enough to hold, but I got even hungrier. By the time I got home, I was ravenous! I had a light meal and then had to have an even bigger meal after that because I was just so hungry. It was after 3 before my appetite had calmed and then the rest of my body failed me. I could barely think straight and was too full to play DDR, so I watched a movie and tried to play The Sims, but then I just fell asleep. All I remember is just falling into my bed because I lacked the energy to go through my normal night time ritual. I woke up thinking that I had gained, but had actually lost a pound and felt very well, in general.

I didn't get anything else done aside from reading the first and also second chapters of Revelation, but I'm just fascinated to how my body is reacting. I fear the old twin monsters of laziness and procrastination are beginning to rear their heads again, but I'm determined. I know I'm a little too tired and it's a little too late play DDR at this point, but I'm making it up to myself tomorrow, but not only getting in a workout even though I'm going out for once, but also going through the tiring ordeal of getting the entire house spotless...and that's going to take some energy and an early start to my day.

Normally, I don't eat at night. My bodily rhythms and work schedule leave me very much the night owl, so eating around 1AM is akin to eating at 7PM for "normal" people who would go to sleep around 11PM. I'm going to just have a little something to eat and play enjoy The Sims for a bit before EA Games destroys their franchise with The Sims 3 and all my favorite modders and designers move onto greener pastures. And, just for good measure, I'll make sure I get in my chapter of Revelation too.

Today went very well. I have yet to complete all four aspects, but everything else feels almost natural for me to do.

Writing - Nothing written today aside from a Tweet. I was going to write some poetry just to write something, but I ditched that idea as my free verse tends to be a little sketchy and barely poetry at all. A part of me almost wants to get really, really disappointed that I am not able to complete a chapter each day like I had wanted, but the point is that I've moved from barely writing a little each day to putting a lot of effort into my writing every day.  Every day I try very hard to get get something actually accomplished which, little by little, leads to accomplishment. I'm not going to rush this and I'm not going to force this. I'm still still striving for my chapter a day and, while I think that I may some day manage that endeavour, for now I'm just happy to be writing every day.

Piano - I was forced to play the flute when I was younger and, when I practiced, my mother refused to believe me when I said, I could practice better with some other music playing in the background. There was, and still is, something about complete silence that puts me on an edge so high that I'm not really able to focus. I practiced with music in the background with the flute and did pretty well and so, I think I'm going to start practicing the piano with some music in the background also. Lately, I've just been allowing the DDR previews to keep playing behind me as I start playing and I've been sounding better. For some reason, with something to drown out the silence, I can focus on what I'm doing, much like how I must write to music. I figure, if I get too distracted, I can always turn off the music, but while I'm trying to concentrate, I will continue to have some light music playing as I practice.

Workout - After being up for the past few days, I was down .8 today. I'm a little freaked at how much my weight fluctuates daily, but I am still trying to ignore the numbers overall. I still workout every day and when I start my "off to bed" ritual earlier in the night/morning, I will incorporate the ab-slide into my nightly workouts. I've got some goals schedule for March, June and of course September and, if I just stay on the right course, I know I can reach them.

Bible - You know...I had really underestimated Paul's significance to the church. I knew he was important, but it never really connected. Hmm...it's just interesting what kinds of insight one receives when she sits down to actually read the Word that brings such faith. Just interesting. I start tomorrow with Revelation...

...aaaaand, we're back!

I'm rather impressed at how easy it seemed to jump back into the mix; some things were forgotten entirely, some things were fought for earnestly and some things just didn't get accomplished for the day. The point of the matter, however, is that I felt no real strain from entering into the same routine. I think taking Sunday "off" was good for me and it all works well because Sunday is supposed to be a day of rest anyway.

Writing - Major, major headway made in Secrets today...but then I forgot to send the working copy to myself tonight, so I didn't actually get to finish the chapter. My goal for tomorrow is to have another chapter written and published, but as I'm working about a 60-hour week this week, I know that will be a stretch.

Piano - I did actually get to play a song a few times today. It was very pleasant and I felt very proud of myself for getting that done.

Workout - Yep! I got it done as well. It seems like almost second-nature to night. I just set out my "gym" clothes in my chair before I leave for work and, this way, there's no chance that I'll just forget to become to lazy. I am quite tired right now, so I think I'll just do some crunches and let that be it for tonight, but tomorrow I'm going to take it up that proverbial notch.

Bible - Sadly, no...I didn't get a chapter read. This is rather depressing to me in that I hadn't even realized this until I began writing this post. I want to continue further, but I'm really, really tired right now.

And, so, extreme fatigue notwithstanding, I....something, something....blah, blah, something....Oh, well. Off to bed and the onto tomorrow!

Aside from making it to church and doing some dishes, nothing got accomplished yesterday. And, I do mean nothing.

I found an old VHS tape of my favorite Law & Order episodes and watched the one where Abbie does the prosecuting in a case with this woman Maureen Gerrard; has to be my all-time favorite episodes of L&O ever. Then, I needed my Sunday afternoon nap which turned into too much sleep and I didn't wake up until eight. From there, I had a little to eat, managed to update part of my church's website and then played The Sims 2 for the rest of the night. No workout, no Bible reading (though, I did read a little as I was in church yesterday), no piano practice and, certainly, no writing. I think this was good for me, though. A break once a week may just be the thing to keep me from getting burned out too soon and falling back into my old ways.

On to the rest of today!

I've done it! All four completed in one day! Now, if I can only keep this up for tomorrow as well...

Writing - I finally finished a chapter of Secrets. This took an unreasonably long amount of time to complete, but I think I fully acknowledged something today in regards to my all my writing because of it. I can't rush work. These things just come me as they do and if I rush it, I get suddenly get bored and lack the drive to pursue the project any longer. I have to let these stories just flow. For example, my novel, dubbed Damen for now, has gone through half a dozen transformations in its short life already. It wasn't six months ago that I actually wrote to myself in my notes, "I don't think you really understand your protagonist." and it was true. I could write almost as if I were every other character except my main character and that's no way to really write a story, so I set down the novel and let the story and the characters swirl in my head a little longer until it finally came together for me. That's how all my stories work, so going forward, my chapter a day may not necessarily be an actual completed chapter a day, but rather a significant step forward in the story. This way, I have some sense of accomplishment and really do end up getting something done as I continue this journey.

Piano - Tonight's practice session was rough; very rough doesn't really come close to describing it. Part of the problem is that there is something "off" about my Middle C key, but mainly I just entered into a key that I had not earlier encountered and it threw me for a loop. I'm just now getting accustomed to playing with both hands at the same time and the base clef is still agonizing me. For a while there, I thought I knew the notes because I had to teach myself a little when I was writing Flight, but because there have been so many gaping holes in my practices, I have lost whatever I had learned. A subset of this week's goals will be to just figure out the base clef. I may never know those notes as well as I know the treble clef, but at least being able to point to a space or a bar and being able to confidently say "B!" will be a step in the right direction.

Workout - I got in a little workout this evening; not too much, but just enough to get the heart pumping for a little while. I'm also, predictably, up 0.4lbs today. What concerns me most at this point is this nagging impatience that just wants all of "it" now. That impatience, ironically, sounds very much like Veruca Salt singing "I want it now!" I want to see some results now, but I know I have to just keep telling myself that patience is a virtue and remind myself that I didn't put on this weight in a month, so it's not going to take only a month to take off all of it.

Bible - Paul's journey to Rome reminded me a bit of Robinson Crusoe which only reminds me that the really is nothing new under the sun. DeFoe just ripped off the Bible just like Cast Away ripped off DeFoe and how I will be ripping off both DeFoe and Cast Away in an upcoming SVU story. I like gettng in my daily reading, though. I have not been this consistent with it in a long while and I feel like I'm learning something new everyday.
Tomorrow/Today is Sunday. Every Sunday I face what can only be the devil really talking to me because I am never in a worse mood during the week than I am on a Sunday morning. Any negative idea about church that one could ever imagine pops into my head and it takes everything I've got just to get out the door and to my car. Sometimes, even then, that "voice" is commenting on how it is never too late turn around and go back in the house. I think it is just a testament to what my Pastor is always saying about how Satan never bothers you unless you are working for Jesus. I just need to keep reminding myself of this as I wake up tomorrow feeling grouchy for no other reason other than because the devil is trying to keep me from doing what I'm supposed to do.

Tomorrow/Today will mark seven days into this adventure. I'm just going to take these next three weeks as they come. Sometimes I will have good days and other times I will have a string of bad days where it seems like nothing is ever going to get accomplished. I can only keep praying and keep striving to be the Dorienne that I can be. :)

There isn't actually a lot to report about today. I feel oddly torn by several people because I'm just now sure how to react to them, but that really has no bearing on my little "plan," at least for the time being.

Writing - Again, I accomplished three out of four things today and, again, the one thing I didn't get to do is the one thing I ought to do most. There was a part of me that just said, "It's Friday. I don't want to work." and, then it hit me. Writing suddenly feels like work. Ever since the day I decided that I'm either going to live for my dream or die trying, writing seems like the actual work and everything else in my life is like the hobby. It's like I'm a writer with a 40-hour a week hobby that pays me a little pittance twice a month. Maybe that's why I let the "I just don't feel like it" monster rear its head and just spent the time that I would have been, and really should have been, writing discovering new webcomics; this one and this one to be exact. The latter is really what kept me from doing anything else, but ironically has got me itching to write again. It is fascinating to me to see where inspiration springs and something written so well with such amazing characters as "Better Days" is just the thing to do it. Honestly, I think I like it more than QC* and xkcd...well, I like it more than QC, but just like it differently than I like xkcd.

*Use caution with when viewing QC's comic for 2/6/09, #1334. It's definitely far racier than anything else he has written.

Piano - I played again today and I think I may be about to fall into a very pleasant routine. I just love waking up in the morning. Playing the piano for a bit, having my breakfast and then reading my bible. It's just such a nice way to start my day that I don't even get too excited when I think about all the things I didn't get done the previous day or whatever. It's just very...nice.

Workout - If I hadn't had a bodily breakdown on Sunday and passed out before I could do anything, I would have been on eight days of working out straight. Nonetheless, I did pass out rather than "go to bed" on Sunday and so, I'm striving to just make it to Sunday with continuous workouts. My body is starting to feel a little weird. My stomach, while by no means flat at this point, is starting to feel a little firmer. I can also feel my stomach muscles working more as I reach for different moves on DDR. My arms don't feel really different yet, but I'm just going to keep doing what I'm doing before I get any drastic ideas such as upping the poundage of my free weights or doing one hundred sets on each arm instead of just fifty. All this notwithstanding, I'm up a whopping 1.8 lbs and I know I'll have a plus in the morning too. Bad eating habits die hard, but I still haven't resorted to fast food yet. I have learned something this week, though, about the way I eat. As I don't normally get to bed until 4-5AM, I need to eat a snack at 9PM; it's imperative to keep a full meal from ensuing around 2AM. I normally have breakfast at around 10AM and my a lunch break at 6:30-7PM and there is a huge difference between going from 9PM to 10AM without eating than going from 6:30PM to 10AM while on the "fast." I'm not going to balk at the scale when, and there really is no question to it, I see a plus in the morning, but at least I'm a step ahead of the proverbial game since I've about narrowed down I need to do to keep the plusses from becoming a daily occurence.

Bible - All I have to say is "almost." Agrippa was "almost" a Christian by Paul's words. That's like saying I almost stepped onto the train platform instead of the train tracks to me. Almost. Just fascinating...almost.

Tomorrow/Today is Saturday! Lots of stuff going on, so there will be lots of opportunity to succeed or fail. Hopefully, if the latter should occur, it will be epicfail.com worthy and bring some lulz to someone's day.

And, then I just passed out.

I was going strong last night: I had three out of four things accomplished and was about to settle into my writing when this body of mine just shut down. I simply lacked the capacity to do anything more than slide into my bed and wake up five hours later. I've experienced this previously and I can say without a doubt that it is one of the most frustrating things about going without caffeine and living in an imperfect, mortal frame. There is only so much my body can do in one day and then, it just closes shop right when I need it give a final push. Oh, well. I'm up now, so we'll how the rest of today goes.

Writing - This has got to be the most disappointing of the lot. Still, I am without a chapter and I was so close last night. That is the most frustrating thing of all; I just passed out before I could write anything more. Grr! I hate having to sleep. It is such a waste of time!

Piano - I played for a little while yesterday and, even though I am playing through this little beginner book, I was really feeling the music. If I can keep this up, I see myself being able to actually get through a song by March.

Workout - I was down .4 yesterday and I did manage to get in another workout. It was heavier and less half-assed than Day Four's workout, but I don't think I had my whole heart on it. I think it may be the constant exercising that is starting to wear on this body of mine, but I'm going to continue. The only way I'll be able to build my stamina is if I just keeping pressing.

Bible - My favorite way to start a day is to make a small breakfast for myself and read my Bible as I eat. That was how yesterday went and that kind of thing always leads to a cheerful morning. I don't remember exactly what I read because my short term memory is shot, but suffice it to say, it made for a pleasant read.

On to the rest of the day!

Sometimes...many times, I feel like there just isn't enough time to do all that I wish to do with my life. I have just 24 hours in a day to do everything: play piano, Twitter, catch up on forums, read the news, have three meals, shower, work a full day, read my bible, workout, write a part of some story, pray and sleep. If I had closer to 30 - 32 hours, I think I'd be set.

Writing - Again, I made a lot of headway in Secrets, but alas, I didn't get the chapter completed...or anything else for that matter.

Piano - Didn't even have time to get near it...I carried a song in my heart all day though, so that's got to count for something.

Workout - I worked off about 300 calories playing DDR tonight. It was nice to bring out DDR Max, my first love. I hadn't played it ages and I got excited just thinking about the songs I would play. I'm down 1.2 lbs today; I don't feel any different yet, but I'm well on my way towards losing 10 lbs by the end of the month. I should also add that I have been doing stomach crunches every morning and every night, as well as doing some light lifting with free weights. I have a great amount of muscle, but it's covered with a nice layer of fat. I've a long way to go before I start to see the muscle shape again, but it should be noted that I am beginning to get a little harder.

Bible - I had a flash of Law & Order and Mock Trial while I was reading today. When they brought Paul in front of his accusers, I definitely sensed how the law as we know it in America had evolved from the same systems created and enacted over two millenia ago. I could almost hear the "Dun Duns" as Paul began to make his case.

I still need to experiment more with themes for this. I'm just not sure if I like the greys. The simplicity is fine, but I need more purple like Christopher Walken needs more cowbell. I may just create one of my own in Photoshop, if LJ allows suchs things. If not, LJ gets a FAIL for creativity.

All these failures just tell me I've got to do more with my mornings.

On to tomorrow!

I've made it through another day...

I will be experimenting with different avatars over the next few weeks until I find something I like. I had been using this one (find X) throughout my endeavours in the Interwebs, but I would like to find something a little more "me." I may end up with a different Simpsonized image or use a plain image of myself, but I am still searching nonetheless.

Writing - While my goal was to finish a chapter of Secrets, I did stick to the plan of getting something written, a blog post (Caution! These are the pure and unadulterated words of a right-leaning moderate. Approach my blog with an open mind). I made a lot of headway on Secrets today, so hopefully by Thursday, I will have an actual chapter written; it will all depend on how tomorrow plays, I guess.

Piano - Nope. It just didn't happen today. Hopefully tomorrow I can start out early with some practice, as this morning was spent getting my hair braided. I did, however, find some sheet music for tonight's song and so, now I have some "goal" music for which I can strive in the upcoming weeks.

Workout - It felt almost half-assed, but I did get it done. I think it felt so half-done because I was simply unhappy after watching tonight's SVU. These episodes are starting to go downhill the way they did during Season 8 and, if this is how they are going to continue, then perhaps the actors' times would be better spent on other projects. </my two cents> My entire workout was around 25-30 minutes, but the point of the matter is, half-assed or not, I got it done like it is a normal routine. I think I may be well on own my way to keeping up with this. I'm also down 0.6; not much to shout about, but still a contribution to the greater good.

Bible - Biblical fact I didn't know before today: The actual separation between the Saducees and the Pharisees. In the back of my mind, I had always wondered why they were separate when my most basic kindergarten knowledge of biblical texts told me "Saducees = Pharisees = Bad." Today, in the Acts, I learned there is a difference and there is a difference in how they perceived Paul. It's rather fascinating; the Acts are all together. It feels like I'm reading a short story where I know the plot is leading up to the death of the protagonist and I'm just itching to skip ahead, but as I only tolerate surprises in literary scenarios, I let me chapter a day suffice for now.

Until tomorrow...

I don't sleep the hours of "normal" people, so for me this is still February 2nd, though admittedly, to much of the world is already the 3rd. However, this is how my life is, so off we go!

Oi! It's 4:30 and I'm calling it a night.

Writing - the one thing I didn't really get done today. I really aimed for a whole chapter of my SVU story Secrets to get done, but I know if I keep writing, it'll be 7AM before I know it and I have a lot to do tomorrow. There'll be no time for naps, so as much as it pains me, I've got to get some rest. I did, however, write more in Secrets than I had all week, so there is hope that tomorrow will yield not only a finished chapter, but a posted one too!

Piano - I only got play one song one time, but I got it done. I'm going to switch my designated time for playing the piano to the morning instead. It's really, really cold downstairs at night and I'm sure my neighbors appreciate my fumbled fingers at 2:30 in the morning. We'll see how "tomorrow" goes for the piano playing.

Workout - I'm down 1.6lbs. Woot! I didn't actually get in a workout yesterday; I got incredibly tired around 12:30AM and had this brilliant idea of taking a "nap" until 3:30 and then getting up to finish the laundry and play DDR (my workout), but I'm sure anyone can imagine how well that plan played. Today, I jumped right back into the mix and got in a 30-minute workout. I failed pretty early in Endless Mode (my warm-up) so I wasn't so excruciatingly tired immediately afterward, but I'm just glad I got in the workout instead of falling into the same old groove by just saying, "I just don't feel like it."

Bible - I read a chapter and a half today since yesterday I only got about half a chapter read. I'm still reading the Acts and Man!...Paul had a really rough time trying to get this Christianity thing off the ground. It's all for good though! :)

Until tomorrow...